AMERICANS SHOULD MIND THEIR QUEUES

I was flying from Toronto to the U.S. last Thursday when I experienced an attack of cross-border rage.

The lineup at U.S. customs was over 150 people long, but only two of the 20 passport booths were open to us - creating total border gridlock. Worse, two more booths were working, but they were reserved for "American passport-holders" - though practically none were flying.

Every few minutes an American couple would arrive and stroll through in moments as we foreigners watched enviously, clutching our papers and hand luggage like fleeing refugees, desperate to make our flights. Most of us spent the time pacing, muttering, cursing and, in some cases, crying.

One distraught British family became so desperate that they pleaded their way gradually up the line, begging each passenger to let them through - and eventually we all did. We became our own island society, giving priority to the needy and refusing those with a flight anywhere near the same time as ours.

I stood in that lineup for over 95 minutes, silently swearing at every American who sauntered through. I wanted to scream blue murder, but of course you can't because U.S. border officials have more power than North Korea's Kim Jong-Il and can deny you entry, or ban you from the U.S. for five years, or maybe even send you off to Syria, or Guantanamo Bay to be tortured by endless reruns of Lassie until you admit the truth that - YES! - you were trying to enter America as a tourist.

So I shut up like everyone else, gradually becoming so enraged that U.S. custom inspectors would have been right to deny me entry because I was dangerous.

As I stood there fuming, I realized two things: One, the world's largest undefended border has now become the world's largest lineup. Two, I have lost all tolerance for lineups this long - and it turns out I'm not alone.

A poll several days ago found that Canada tops all European countries when it comes to getting irritated in queues, with 84 per cent of us saying they are fed up with lineups. According to the Ipsos-Reid poll, we Canucks hate lining up at airports, hospitals, supermarkets, post offices, or electronic phone queues that say: "We will be with you shortly. We appreciate your call, even though we won't answer it."

Most people say they're quite willing to wait a few minutes, but after eight minutes we get angry and, after 20 minutes, three quarters of us get so mad we often leave vowing never to come back.

Years ago, Soviet-style lines like the one at U.S. customs were part of life and we somehow swallowed it passively. We'd been trained at school to line up for classes, lunch and recess, then stand there till our teacher pronounced our line "perfect" and shouted "forward!"

It was training for lives lived in lineups - at stores, bus stops and government offices. The Canadian passport line was so long that by the time they saw you and mailed you your passport, you needed a new one.

But times have changed dramatically as we've gradually mastered the taming of the queue. Quebec's provincial license bureau was once similar to a Soviet bread line, yet today it's a model of efficiency that gives you a number and estimates how long your wait will be - so you can have lunch or a nap.

Many restaurants with lineups now take your cell number or give you a pager and beep you when your table is ready.

Mis-queues remain, but we are increasingly intolerant of them. Polls show the same things irritate almost everyone, in many countries. We all resent a lack of staff, because that says that we don't matter. We also resent systems that seem unfair, where one person gets in before others through favouritism or queue-jumping.

Since 9/11, I know the United States is a security-tense country, but if they must erect a fortress system, why can't they at least man it properly? America is also the speedy-service capital of the planet, so why have the world's worst service at their border?

I suggest the U.S. take some queue-tips from Canadian customs. When I flew back to Trudeau Airport, there were 12 booths open, as usual, at 10:45 p.m. Again, about 150 of us were lined up, but Americans and Canadians stood equally in the same lane, with no priorities and no one cheesed off.

I got through in 12 minutes, instead of 95, and it was so hassle-free I felt that U.S. visitors might actually think that Canada welcomes them. As opposed to the U.S., where the message to Canadians these days seems to be:

"Queue You!"

Josh_freed@hotmail.com